Get off my lawn

I'm 38 today.

Every year since the age of 33, as my birthday has approached, I've felt myself start to drag a little. Question myself more. Wonder who I am on a daily basis. I sleep less, because my mind churns every time the lights go out. And I wonder why that one day has made me feel that way.

It's not as if I'm a drastically different person on the morning of April 9th. My life has gone on, just as always. I get up. I work. I go home. My bills are still there. My dog still needs to be fed. There's still laundry to do and countertops to clean. Today is no different, except that today I get cake.

I've noticed more gray hair. They're those "resistant" grays that will soon require a professional color job, should I choose to keep hiding them. I seem to be buying better (or more expensive) eye creams. And I wonder when my attitude will start to reflect the number.

So far, it hasn't. I love to play video games and watch cartoons. I love devising semi-hazardous experiments using the microwave. I tell gross jokes and I laugh every time someone says "balls" or "box." Some of my t-shirts say things that would get me kicked out of PTA meetings. I burp, loudly, to make my son giggle. My last couple of book purchases have been Japanese manga and I've downloaded a lot more 70's punk rock lately.

Every birthday, the divide within myself seems greater. The older I get, the more I advance in my profession, the more responsible I become in society, the younger I act. Is this rebellion? Am I rebelling against myself or simply trying to be myself despite my age?

Every year, I try to just take a breath and let it be. But we all know that finding acceptance among others is much easier than finding it within yourself.

I'm happy to have this problem, really. As far as crises go, this one is mild. Its persistence drives me a little nutty, but I feel like the day I've reconciled the number with the attitude -- the day I begin to "act my age" -- I will have lost so much of who I am. I know that.

So, today, as I celebrate another birthday and look down the barrel of 40, I'm going to take a deep breath and let it be. And then have cake.